Category Archives: musing

At 20 I thought I was finally grown up and ready to live fully in the adult world.

At 30 I was disappointed that, not only did I not know all the secrets of life, but I was not nearly as grown up as I thought I should be. I realize in hindsight I was trying to catch a ghost of myself, the imagined perfection of me I was failing to achieve.

 At 40 I made peace with the fact that I will always have times of not feeling truly grown up. I embraced the “life is a journey” philosophy. This eased the ghost chasing a bit, but the journey was too often fueled by my unhappiness. I hoped it would deliver me into bliss, I was chronically disappointed.

Now on the brink of 50, I know that I am grown. Not the adjective “grown” describing a state of completeness, but the verb “to grow”. The distinction is everything! I am being grown into more and more of myself by this beautiful, gritty life I get to live, just as sure as the rain and soil are always growing the forest. Like the forest I will never be done growing, never be grown up, always grown.

There is something surprisingly magical and real in being grown. I can choose any number of ways to tend to myself in the process, I have a say in much of how the process unfolds.

But the growing, the growth?

That is the Mystery.

She dances with my choices, actions, and circumstances and I find myself newly. My Self. Sandi. Who and what I am grown into now, today, this decade, this lifetime.

The growing, it must happen.Biology demands it, our soul knows no other way. 

It can’t happen with out me, but is not dependent on me.

This is liberating!

It escorts obligation, suffering, and striving to the door.

As I stand at the threshold of the second half of my first century,

I lean into growth not as something to accomplish,

not as the destination of my journey, 

but as the rich, ever changing, illuminating ground I walk on.

(if you find yourself navigating your own growing and want some direction, you may find my Guidance Sessions useful)

Dear 2012,

Hi, how are you? Nice to meet you. You are so new and fresh and still have the holiday glow about you. I think you are probably a pretty decent sort of year, but I have to be honest. I’m a little nervous about you.

I know you are not 2011, but you look so much alike, and let’s face it, you new years start out all the same. Lots of shiny glitz and noise, promises of new beginnings and wonderful change, only to end up a continuation of what went before. (Don’t argue, that laundry I didn’t do is still in a pile in the corner, and the sweater I’m making, still half done.)You are not so much a new beginning as you are resting point of assessment and course correction. Not so romantic, but true.

I know I shouldn’t bring old baggage into a new relationship, but you see, 2011 was really hard. Dreams ended, relationships went wonky, health was iffy, finances tanked. Course correction is happening but this big old ship is going to take a while to turn around which has you, 2012 still looking a whole lot like 2011.

Yeah, it’s true that, while some relationships went wonky last year, many others were reconnected with and nourished. That was fun and lovely. And sure, I had a big surgery, but I was loved and cared for in surprising ways. Come to think of it, money was scary and nerve racking, but new systems and commitments are making a big difference.

Dreams dieing are always hard and 2011 did in a couple I didn’t even know I had. But you know what 2012? Right at the last moments of 2011 a couple of juicy possibilities opened up, right out of the blue. That was pretty cool.

So, okay, 2011 wasn’t all bad, in fact there was some pretty awesome moments, so your resemblance, 2012, to last year might be all right.

Maybe, just maybe New Year, we can create an alliance, a powerful relationship of hope, trust, honesty and courage. That would be pretty cool don’t you think? I think it would be fun to stretch more, love more freely, bring the mysteries out in the open.

I don’t what to put too much pressure on you or anything, but I think we can do this thing up right.

What do you think? I’m up for it!

I feel much better having this little chat before things get too hot and heavy between us.

I think I might be falling for you 2012.

xo,
Sandi

PS, I don’t believe all that Mayan calender stuff about you, don’t worry. I’m in it for the long haul.

I think my favorite time of year is this week in between Christmas and New Year’s. The hectic Christmas craziness is over and things slow down for a few days. The Solstice has just passed here in the northern hemisphere. There is the knowing that the light is returning, yet the nights are still long and cold.

It is time for warm tea, hot toddies, reflection and dreaming.

I’m not much into formal year in review assessing nor am I huge fan of New Year’s resolutions. For many these rituals are fun and useful, for me they trigger gremlinly voices of short comings and urgency to fix what is wrong.

And yet, I am pulled to reflect on where I am, and honor what has passed. Not in a grand significant way, more from a space of general musing, a soft focus, dreamy meandering though the past 12 months.

In the next couple of weeks I will do more concrete planing and visioning for the year, but right now I am sinking into this liminal space between the years, letting the magic of the pause between ending and beginning cast its spell.

May you find moments of pause this week to let in the magic that is forming in your life.