“She’s not like our typical patient. She’s healthy.”
I heard my recovery room nurse say this to whom ever she was talking to in preparation of being transferred to a regular room.
Who me?
I was struck because the last thing I felt in that just-post-surgery moment was healthy. In fact “healthy” is not something I have felt in a long, long time.
The very large fibroid that was removed along with my uterus that was worn out from holding it, had been a drain on my energy and overall well being for at least the last 3 years. That was not the whole reason why the comment surprised me and has stayed with me this past month.
You see, if I am honest I have not felt “healthy” ever. The kind of healthy that is preached from magazine covers, news reports and the whole health and diet industry. You know, the type of healthy that comes from being the right weight and body type with the right BMI. The healthy that demands exercising in the right way, eating just the right amount and type of food with the right super nutrient of the moment. Oh, and having the right numbers for your blood pressure, cholesterol and other medical measures.
I have just never been “right” enough. I am not now or in too long to remember, the “right” weight. I don’t eat my veggies like I should and exercise is, for the most part what I have punished myself with for being over weight, not eating enough veggies and eating too much sugar. As far as blood pressure and the rest, I’ve been pretty okay in that area although I do get the raised eyebrow and the you-know-you-really-should look because, you know, my weight.
Even as I spent the last two plus years working to cure my fibroid by cultivating a more healthy lifestyle, doing all the right healthy things, it didn’t make a big difference in how I felt. Except the acupuncture, that was very helpful. But, I still did not feel “healthy”. And I still had a huge fiboid.
Big personal insight. Doing healthy things does not mean feeling healthy.
“She’s not like our typical patient. She’s healthy.”
This has ushered in a paradigm shift for me. It has had me look at myself with in a bigger context. In comparison to the most of those who end up in an operating room, I’m healthy. But beyond comparing myself to those who are worse off than I am, which is just the flip side of comparing myself to news and magazine health standards, the shift here is in where I have been looking in defining health for myself.
The healthy I have been chasing is a mirage. It may look like it is just up on the horizon and is real, but in truth it shifts and changes as I try ever harder to reach it. It is an illusion in the same what that the Photoshopped models on the cover of the health magazines are.
Health is more than a set of numbers and nutrients. It is more than the cultural in look of the moment or the fad super cure all diet or food.. It is not a dress size or certain blood pressure reading.
Here are my measures of Health.
Am I happy?
Am I able to express myself in the world the way I want?
Am I loved?
Am I giving love?
I can guarantee that if any of these questions is answered with too deep of a “no” for too long of a time, my health will not be good. I will binge, deprive, obsess in ways that do not serve me. It will show up in tests and measures at my doctor’s office.
So I focus my attention and energy on my happiness, expression and love. It is the secret, my secret, to health.
“She’s not like our typical patient. She’s healthy.”
I can’t speak for this nurse’s other patients, but at that moment, groggy from anesthesia and uncomfortable, I got a clear inkling of my true health. I was safe with a team of people tending to me with concern and kindness. My husband was by my side holding my hand. I was able to laugh at the size of what had been removed with relief and gratitude.
In the past month my feeling of health has grown in new and wonderful ways. I am still far from 100% recovered from my surgery, but I am happy in a way I was not before. Sure I can’t push myself hard all day just yet, but that is a good thing. I can see evidence each day of my body healing, my spirit lifting and my heart opening.
I can say, and believe, that I am Healthy.
